A Year Ago Today....Part 4

Dear AC,
A Year ago today....our world came crashing down.  After my epidural I started having painful contractions.  My cervix was now at 10cm.  Daddy called Grandma & Grandpa to tell them it was about time at about 2am in the morning.  Grandma and Grandpa got there in about 30 minutes and came into see us, but just for a sec because I was in hard labor and I don't think they liked seeing me like that.  I started pushing around 3:00am.  I just couldn't wait to meet you.  After a few pushes your little heart started to decelerate.  The dr. would have me stop pushing to let your heart rate go back to normal.  After a few more pushes, your heart rate still was decelerating during pushes.  The dr. told us if this kept happening we would have to either try the vacuum or have a c-section.  We chose to use the vacuum first. The instant we chose the vacuum, the dr. called an emergency c-section because your heart rate was now really low (30bpm) and not going back up.  I was panicked and in shock.  The OR was not ready and none of the nurses knew how to open it so the dr. had to do it.  They had me get on all fours on the bed.  I remember looking back and Daddy who was sitting in the chair and just so shocked, numb, in disbelief.  I felt that you were already gone.  I knew in my heart, my motherly instinct that you would not be coming home with us.  It seemed like forever before I was wheeled down the hall and into the OR.  They took me in the wrong way so they had to take the bed back out and push me back in.  I was sedated, which seemed like forever for them to get everything hooked up and put me out.  I was in such shock I couldn't say a word.  All I wanted was for them to cut me open and get you you even if it meant me being awake and feeling everything.  I started to wake up and it was around 7:30am.  My vision was a little blury and I could see that there was a nurse in the room. I said, "I want my baby." The nurse said nothing to me.  I waited.  Finally daddy came into the room with empty arms.  I knew before I saw him that you were with Jesus.  Daddy told me you were with Jesus.  You were born at 4:46am and went to be with Jesus at 7:14am.  You were 7lb and 19 1/2" long.  We never knew true love until we met you.  You were so perfect and more beautiful than I ever imagined you would be.  You looked just like Daddy. That day, was so bittersweet.  We got to meet you for the first time and hold you and then say goodbye all in one breath.
I will love you forever baby boy.  I miss you like crazy.  My heart and arms ache for you.
Mommy