Dear AC,
A year ago today.....we had a private funeral for you. We said our last goodbyes. It was so very, very hard. I just wanted to crawl in the hole with you. My life had been changed forever and I didn't want to go on without you. I still don't know how we are living without you, one year later.
The few pictures that I have of you don't do you justice. They are not enough. I want to see and hold you, in real life, not in my mind, beautiful baby boy.
I miss you every.single.day. and I will continue to until we meet again.
Love you forever and always,
mommy
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Happy 1st Birthday
Dear AC,
Happy 1st Birthday! Oh, how I wish you were here to celebrate. I bought a 1st birthday shirt and matching bib when I was pregnant with you. I so wish I could have been able to use it. Instead, I put it on your Aidyn Bear. It's so very hard to think that it has been a year since I seen your precious face and was able to hold you. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and others it feels like it has been an eternity.
We have had a pretty busy day so far. We lit a candle for you this morning at the exact time you passed. Daddy and I layed in bed and looked stared at your footprints and candle burning. After a while we got around and went to visit you. I put a ribbon on your cross that says "birthday boy". After a visit with you we went to a monument place. We were able to see what options we had. We went out to lunch at Bennigans and then headed to a store to get you some balloons, but was unable to get them because they were out of helium (shortage i guess). Instead I got you some other decorations to place at your resting place and a helium-less balloon. We then went to a landscaping place where we had a gift certificate (from grandma and grandpa L) to, to pick you out something special. We were unable to decide so we will go back in the spring when were ready to make your garden. The next stop was another monument place to get a quote and see what our choices are. We are pretty sure we know what we want. We just need to make a few final decisions and submit it to them to make a rough draft for us to approve of. Choosing a headstone is really hard. We want it to be so perfect for you, but it never will be. There's nothing perfect about a headstone for a baby. After that stop, we headed home.
In a little bit we are going to go visit you again and bring your decorations, puppy and cookie monster cupcakes, 1 year candle, hopefully the floating lantern, and sing you happy birthday.
We love you so much baby boy. We can't wait to be with you again. Living without you is extrememly hard. I can't believe I was able to survive this long without you. You're always on my mind.
I love you forever and ever AC! Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!
Love-Mommy
Happy 1st Birthday! Oh, how I wish you were here to celebrate. I bought a 1st birthday shirt and matching bib when I was pregnant with you. I so wish I could have been able to use it. Instead, I put it on your Aidyn Bear. It's so very hard to think that it has been a year since I seen your precious face and was able to hold you. Some days it feels like it was just yesterday and others it feels like it has been an eternity.
We have had a pretty busy day so far. We lit a candle for you this morning at the exact time you passed. Daddy and I layed in bed and looked stared at your footprints and candle burning. After a while we got around and went to visit you. I put a ribbon on your cross that says "birthday boy". After a visit with you we went to a monument place. We were able to see what options we had. We went out to lunch at Bennigans and then headed to a store to get you some balloons, but was unable to get them because they were out of helium (shortage i guess). Instead I got you some other decorations to place at your resting place and a helium-less balloon. We then went to a landscaping place where we had a gift certificate (from grandma and grandpa L) to, to pick you out something special. We were unable to decide so we will go back in the spring when were ready to make your garden. The next stop was another monument place to get a quote and see what our choices are. We are pretty sure we know what we want. We just need to make a few final decisions and submit it to them to make a rough draft for us to approve of. Choosing a headstone is really hard. We want it to be so perfect for you, but it never will be. There's nothing perfect about a headstone for a baby. After that stop, we headed home.
In a little bit we are going to go visit you again and bring your decorations, puppy and cookie monster cupcakes, 1 year candle, hopefully the floating lantern, and sing you happy birthday.
We love you so much baby boy. We can't wait to be with you again. Living without you is extrememly hard. I can't believe I was able to survive this long without you. You're always on my mind.
I love you forever and ever AC! Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!
Love-Mommy
Monday, September 3, 2012
A Year Ago Today....Part 4
Dear AC,
A Year ago today....our world came crashing down. After my epidural I started having painful contractions. My cervix was now at 10cm. Daddy called Grandma & Grandpa to tell them it was about time at about 2am in the morning. Grandma and Grandpa got there in about 30 minutes and came into see us, but just for a sec because I was in hard labor and I don't think they liked seeing me like that. I started pushing around 3:00am. I just couldn't wait to meet you. After a few pushes your little heart started to decelerate. The dr. would have me stop pushing to let your heart rate go back to normal. After a few more pushes, your heart rate still was decelerating during pushes. The dr. told us if this kept happening we would have to either try the vacuum or have a c-section. We chose to use the vacuum first. The instant we chose the vacuum, the dr. called an emergency c-section because your heart rate was now really low (30bpm) and not going back up. I was panicked and in shock. The OR was not ready and none of the nurses knew how to open it so the dr. had to do it. They had me get on all fours on the bed. I remember looking back and Daddy who was sitting in the chair and just so shocked, numb, in disbelief. I felt that you were already gone. I knew in my heart, my motherly instinct that you would not be coming home with us. It seemed like forever before I was wheeled down the hall and into the OR. They took me in the wrong way so they had to take the bed back out and push me back in. I was sedated, which seemed like forever for them to get everything hooked up and put me out. I was in such shock I couldn't say a word. All I wanted was for them to cut me open and get you you even if it meant me being awake and feeling everything. I started to wake up and it was around 7:30am. My vision was a little blury and I could see that there was a nurse in the room. I said, "I want my baby." The nurse said nothing to me. I waited. Finally daddy came into the room with empty arms. I knew before I saw him that you were with Jesus. Daddy told me you were with Jesus. You were born at 4:46am and went to be with Jesus at 7:14am. You were 7lb and 19 1/2" long. We never knew true love until we met you. You were so perfect and more beautiful than I ever imagined you would be. You looked just like Daddy. That day, was so bittersweet. We got to meet you for the first time and hold you and then say goodbye all in one breath.
I will love you forever baby boy. I miss you like crazy. My heart and arms ache for you.
Mommy
A Year ago today....our world came crashing down. After my epidural I started having painful contractions. My cervix was now at 10cm. Daddy called Grandma & Grandpa to tell them it was about time at about 2am in the morning. Grandma and Grandpa got there in about 30 minutes and came into see us, but just for a sec because I was in hard labor and I don't think they liked seeing me like that. I started pushing around 3:00am. I just couldn't wait to meet you. After a few pushes your little heart started to decelerate. The dr. would have me stop pushing to let your heart rate go back to normal. After a few more pushes, your heart rate still was decelerating during pushes. The dr. told us if this kept happening we would have to either try the vacuum or have a c-section. We chose to use the vacuum first. The instant we chose the vacuum, the dr. called an emergency c-section because your heart rate was now really low (30bpm) and not going back up. I was panicked and in shock. The OR was not ready and none of the nurses knew how to open it so the dr. had to do it. They had me get on all fours on the bed. I remember looking back and Daddy who was sitting in the chair and just so shocked, numb, in disbelief. I felt that you were already gone. I knew in my heart, my motherly instinct that you would not be coming home with us. It seemed like forever before I was wheeled down the hall and into the OR. They took me in the wrong way so they had to take the bed back out and push me back in. I was sedated, which seemed like forever for them to get everything hooked up and put me out. I was in such shock I couldn't say a word. All I wanted was for them to cut me open and get you you even if it meant me being awake and feeling everything. I started to wake up and it was around 7:30am. My vision was a little blury and I could see that there was a nurse in the room. I said, "I want my baby." The nurse said nothing to me. I waited. Finally daddy came into the room with empty arms. I knew before I saw him that you were with Jesus. Daddy told me you were with Jesus. You were born at 4:46am and went to be with Jesus at 7:14am. You were 7lb and 19 1/2" long. We never knew true love until we met you. You were so perfect and more beautiful than I ever imagined you would be. You looked just like Daddy. That day, was so bittersweet. We got to meet you for the first time and hold you and then say goodbye all in one breath.
I will love you forever baby boy. I miss you like crazy. My heart and arms ache for you.
Mommy
Sunday, September 2, 2012
A Year Ago Today....Part 3
Dear AC,
A Year ago today we were still waiting for your arrival. The cervidil did not work so they removed it in the morning. The dr. came and broke my water. Nothing came out until I stood up to use the bathroom. There was very little fluid and it was bloody tinged. Daddy was gone when they broke my water because he went home to shower. He wasn't gone long though. I was able to get a shower in before they started pitocin. We were transfered to the labor and delivery room. After I ate a yogurt parfait I was hooked up. We were very anxious. The nurse said today was the day, we hoped. Your grandma, aunts, uncle, and cousins came to visit us. They were very anxious to meet you too. I didn't want to lay in bed, so I decided to sit in the rocking chair. When I went to sit in the rocking your little heart rate lowered. It scared us. The nurse had me lay back down and then your heart rate returned to normal. She said not to worry about it and that it may have been because of the way I was sitting. The rest of the day we watched TV and talked. We just wanted for everything to kick into gear so we could meet you. The pitocin took a while to work and had to be increased. At around 9:00pm my contractions were getting stronger. I sat in the rocking chair as we watched "Big Brother". Between 10-11:00pm we discussed our options for pain control. I decided to get an epidural, which I was very nervous about. My cervix was at about a 3 when I got the epidural. The nurse came into increase my fluids before getting the epidural and I noticed my arm starting to swell. The IV was releasing fluid into my skin. They had to start a new IV, which took 3 tries...ouch. After my epidural I could still feel a lot of pain from the contractions, but I couldn't receive anymore medicine because I was already at the max dose.
Those are the events that happened on Sunday this time last year. We were very excited that things were progressing quickly, but we had no idea that what was supposed to be the happiest day of our life was about to be the worst day of our lives.
Love you forever and ever and always! Your in my thoughts always.
Mommy
A Year ago today we were still waiting for your arrival. The cervidil did not work so they removed it in the morning. The dr. came and broke my water. Nothing came out until I stood up to use the bathroom. There was very little fluid and it was bloody tinged. Daddy was gone when they broke my water because he went home to shower. He wasn't gone long though. I was able to get a shower in before they started pitocin. We were transfered to the labor and delivery room. After I ate a yogurt parfait I was hooked up. We were very anxious. The nurse said today was the day, we hoped. Your grandma, aunts, uncle, and cousins came to visit us. They were very anxious to meet you too. I didn't want to lay in bed, so I decided to sit in the rocking chair. When I went to sit in the rocking your little heart rate lowered. It scared us. The nurse had me lay back down and then your heart rate returned to normal. She said not to worry about it and that it may have been because of the way I was sitting. The rest of the day we watched TV and talked. We just wanted for everything to kick into gear so we could meet you. The pitocin took a while to work and had to be increased. At around 9:00pm my contractions were getting stronger. I sat in the rocking chair as we watched "Big Brother". Between 10-11:00pm we discussed our options for pain control. I decided to get an epidural, which I was very nervous about. My cervix was at about a 3 when I got the epidural. The nurse came into increase my fluids before getting the epidural and I noticed my arm starting to swell. The IV was releasing fluid into my skin. They had to start a new IV, which took 3 tries...ouch. After my epidural I could still feel a lot of pain from the contractions, but I couldn't receive anymore medicine because I was already at the max dose.
Those are the events that happened on Sunday this time last year. We were very excited that things were progressing quickly, but we had no idea that what was supposed to be the happiest day of our life was about to be the worst day of our lives.
Love you forever and ever and always! Your in my thoughts always.
Mommy
Saturday, September 1, 2012
A Year a Ago Today Part 2
Dear AC,
A year ago today I was still in the hospital. After two doses of cytotec, I was given cervidil to see if it would help my cervix. On this day daddy and I just waited and waited, wondering if you would be born today. I remember getting to walk around in the halls and take a shower. I know daddy was pretty excited because it was the first Michigan game of the season that night. However, he was hoping to have you in his arms while watching it. Tonight, we will watch the first Michigan game of the season, again without you in our arms.
The cytotec didn't do much for me. My contractions were not strong at all even though the monitor showed some strong ones. I got to listen to your heartbeat all day and night, which I loved.
Love you forever baby boy. I'm missing you so, so very much. Hugs and Kisses.
Mommy
A year ago today I was still in the hospital. After two doses of cytotec, I was given cervidil to see if it would help my cervix. On this day daddy and I just waited and waited, wondering if you would be born today. I remember getting to walk around in the halls and take a shower. I know daddy was pretty excited because it was the first Michigan game of the season that night. However, he was hoping to have you in his arms while watching it. Tonight, we will watch the first Michigan game of the season, again without you in our arms.
The cytotec didn't do much for me. My contractions were not strong at all even though the monitor showed some strong ones. I got to listen to your heartbeat all day and night, which I loved.
Love you forever baby boy. I'm missing you so, so very much. Hugs and Kisses.
Mommy
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